starting over

You ever just want to? I mean you could go back and redo everything you did wrong. You could not start things you regret starting or do things you hadn’t but wished you had. There are SO many things I would change. For example, I’d try to write on here a lot more, but hey, no ones perfect. I had wanted this to not be a place where I bitch about things..but like I said…no ones perfect.

You ever think about your life and realize you don’t like yourself. I did that today. I realized some of my friends are not the best people, and that I get pushed around a lot. When I’m stressed out I snap at people and I suck at physics. I realized that I can’t wait for college, partly, because I want to get away from some relationships that I feel I’m stuck in and that I’m to much of a wimp to say anything about it.  I get blamed for a lot of things that aren’t my fault and I hate it. Anything I do at home isn’t good enough and I get crap for the things I don’t do and then nothing for the things I do…unless I get crap for that to. I feel incredibly alone and one of the few people I actually can talk to isn’t really talking to me anymore, which sucks. I know I have people I could talk to..but I don’t trust a lot of people and I always feel like I’m being a pain in the ass.

I’ll write more on this tomorrow because there is no way I’ll feel better about any of this by then, and I’m tired.

Haha.

So I’m really bad at doing this everyday so whatever.

4. Religion is really weird. I wish i had more faith in something..not sure what. I like how much people rely on it to help them through things, I think that’s beautiful. I don’t like how people get so wrapped up in their religion that they forget that people are people and we make mistakes and not everyone agrees on everything. People need to be able to live their lives, like, I don’t know, I’m bi and if I wanted to marry a girl I would get crap about it. I don’t know, that seems to intrusive. I also don’t like how Christianity and stuff is so God fearing. I don’t feel like you should worship someone or something because you are afraid of it. Love it for all of its beautiful weirdness that you can’t really explain, but don’t love it out of fear because then it isn’t really love.. I wish I could learn more about religion with help because I’m really bad at figuring this kind of stuff out on my own, but whenever I ask a question someone says that I should already know. Then I get a 15 minute talk about how I don’t know and I should..I’m like “well I don’t so why don’t you just tell me the answer.” but that’s a different story.

<3

cuz i’m forgetful.

2. In 10 years I think I want to be a doctor. Or on my way to becoming one, I’m not sure how long it takes, partly because I’m not sure what kind I want to be.. Whatever. I either want to be a doctor or almost be a doctor. Maybe in a relationship? We’ll see how things go. I’m pretty bad at relationships.. So yeah. That was easy.

3. Drugs and alcohol are complicated. I don’t like it when high school kids drink and stuff, but I don’t think pot is a big deal. I hate cigarettes, they are gross and just really bad for you. But I don’t mind pot..Idk, I guess I’m weird. I hate “hard” drugs, like E or shrooms, or coke or something.I think that to many people think it’s cool though, and people are starting to do it younger and younger and it’s a problem.

Lets do it!

Day 1:   Being single.

I fucking love being single! Just saying. I mean I would like to have a relationship with a specific person, but I really don’t mind being single. I can just be by myself and not worry about talking to someone or not. Like these days with texting people can’t go 5 minutes without getting a text back or they have a mental breakdown.  Being single means that I don’t have to worry about upsetting anyone really. It’s nice. I don’t know what else to day, it’s pretty simple. I like being single, it’s nice. Sure it’s lonely sometimes, but it’s so much less stressful.

Heck yeah.

Just so you all know:

thirty day challenge.

01 – your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is
02 – where you’d like to be in 10 years
03 – your views on drugs and alcohol
o4 – your views on religion
05 – a time you thought about ending your own life
06 – write 30 interesting facts about yourself
07 – your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
08 – a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
09 – how you hope your future will be like
10 – discuss your first love and first kiss
11 – put your ipod on shuffle and write the 10 songs that pop up
12 – bullet your whole day
13 – somewhere you’d like to move or visit
14 – your earliest memory
15 – your favorite people
16 – your views on mainstream music
17 – your highs and lows of this past year
18 – your beliefs
19 – disrespecting your parents
20 – how important you think education is
21 – one of your favorite shows
22 – how have you changed in the past 2 years?
23 -give pictures of the 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive
24 – your favorite movie and what it’s about
25 – someone who fascinates you and why
26 – what kind of person attracts you
27 – a problem that you have had
28 – something that you miss
29 – goals for the next 30 days
30 – your highs and lows this month

So..

I realized that there are actually some people reading this. I hope that if any are my friends, and they know what I’m talking about, they don’t get mad. I don’t use names to keep secrets secrets, but sometimes there are things I can’t say to people..so this is how I don’t go crazy.

Moving on. I fell in love with Jack’s Mannequin all over again. Andrew McMahon is one of the most amazing musicians ever. If you disagree, I will fight you. Just kidding, but seriously he’s incredible. If I could meet one famous person before I die, I want it to be him. My aunt’s trying to bring me down, she’s saying how the goals I have for my future aren’t specific enough and without a more specific one i won’t be motivated and have enough focus to succeed. She’s wrong. I will become a doctor, I don’t know what kind yet, but I have at least 8 years to figure it out. I mean, my uncle was a forestry major before he even considered medicine. Then he jumped around like 4 times until he decided on being a spinal surgeon. I already know I want to be a doctor, I just don’t know enough about any specific ones to know what kind. I’m not going to let her bring me down, it’s my life, and even if I fail it won’t be because I gave up. Jack’s Mannequin reminds me to Swim.  (look the song up, its amazing)

Today was pretty amazing. Nothing happened. We tried block scheduling at school, and my favorite classes were long. Tomorrows not going to be so good, but at least it’s a half day! I was hoping we would talk about something good in media, but it was about politics..I don’t understand politics. It’s just to controversial and argumentative for me. But it was still alright. Then I had ASL, which I LOVE. So much. We practiced holiday songs. Then was band, then physics which were boring. Then Psych, funfun. Mr. French is the best, just saying. Haha. We watched a video about teenagers and how annoying we are. It was actually about our brains, but he kept making funny comments. It was a good time.

I’m pretty content with life at the moment. I’m waiting on a college but that happens. Things could be so much worse. .

I swim for brighter days
Despite the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I’m not giving in
I swim

Well now.

I’m so happy for you. Really, I am. I’m glad everything worked out in the end and you are friends again. It makes me happy when my friends are happy. I hate to say this though, I hope friends is all you are. I know how you feel about her, and I know how she feels. And I know how I feel..and I know that if you guys ended up together I think I’d die a little. It would suck for me for a while, I mean, eventually I’d “get over it” and be happy for you, honestly.  But for a while I would be crushed.  I know we aren’t together, obviously, but I feel like I finally have something to hold onto. Something to look forward to or something. I’m not really sure. And I don’t even know if anything will come of us, but even knowing that it might..idk it just comforts me or something.  I sound kind of bitchy, but I don’t mean to. I want you to be happy, and if that means being with someone else then fine, but I’d much rather it be with me.

blah blah blah

That’s essentially what I hear coming out of your mouth. Thanks. I don’t even know what to say. You knew something few people did, and used it against me, thanks friend.

And that’s all I have to say about that. I’m tired of drama and I can’t wait to get to college and meet new people. Don’t get me wrong, I like my friends a lot. It’s just that the drama that always seems attached to them is kind of insane. I just wish people could chill out…for like a day, because I know a week is to much to ask for.

I’m soo tired of people saying they hate their family. If only they knew how important family is, and how much it sucks when they’re gone.  It sucks bad, trust me. So stop it, get over it. You don’t hate your sister so stop saying it because you don’t even mean it. If you’re kidding around then fine, but you aren’t. You’re mad at her, and saying you hate her. Stop.

I’m done. No more drama. If there is a serious problem that needs to be handled then I’ll handle it. But none of this stupid, incredibly immature crap. It’s insane. We’re almost adults, technically. I’m done blaming myself for things I didn’t do or have no control over. I’m done letting people treat me like crap because it sucks and I deserve better.

I miss old friends. A lot. It sucks. I just never see some of them and timing is bad. I’m going to try to talk to them more.

“Life isn’t waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Wow

So I haven’t posted anything in a reallly long time. I’m listening to the Corrs and it’s making me happy. =]

I decided I’m content with life, but not so much with myself. See, I don’t really have strong opinions on things. I want to. I want to be able to defend myself if someone questions what I believe. I want to be able to tell them I’m right, and why I’m right. I don’t even know where I stand on religion. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start. I know there has to be a heaven type thing. I just know, The day after my mom died we were eating Thanksgiving dinner and a clock that hadn’t worked in 5 years or so worked. It just started ticking, and it was right. I’m not exactly sure what it means, and I could be crazy, but I doubt it. So since I believe in a Heaven type thing, I feel like I need to believe in God because if there wasn’t God then where would Heaven come from? Maybe I just don’t like organized religion, I’m not into the God fearing idea. I wouldn’t want to praise someone out of fear, but out of respect and love. Also, from what I’ve heard, God is supposed to love everyone and stuff, and if that’s true why do people fear him. God is supposed to love all his children equally or something, if that’s true why are there so many people against gays in the name of religion? Shouldn’t he love them to? My uncle told me that in the Bible it says that God said be either with me or against me and then something about if you’re unsure he’ll spit you out like a sour grape. If God is supposed to love everyone why can’t he understand if someone is confused. Like, I really want to believe in God, it’s just some of the stories just don’t make sense. I guess I’m not to believe in miracles, I can’t convince myself that Jesus was the son of God I guess. People don’t just get pregnant without having sex. Okay, it has happened a few times, but the child is an exact clone of the mother, Jesus was a boy. I guess I believe in God, but I don’t want him to be this not so forgiving, fear inducing guy. I just don’t know, and I don’t know how to find out the truth with something like this because I guess you can’t be positive of it until you die and see if anything happens. And then I think it’s to late..

I don’t want to be in my cave anymore. It’s time to see the light, I just need to know where to look.

fucking fuck fuck.

Fuck fucking fuck fuck. Fucking fuck FUCK!    Sorry, now that that’s out of my system I’ll get to the point. I think I’m looking forward to college so much subconsciously that I pretty much hate everything that’s happening now. Like…everything. My aunt told my uncle that I lie to her all the time and I fucking don’t. Ever. Seriously I haven’t lied to her in like 3 months. This is just insane. Then my cousin was like oh you stay home when I do all the time, and this is the first time this year that it’s even happened. So sorry but fuck off.  The worst part of it is I can only talk about it on here, I don’t have anyone here to talk to about it because the problems are here and I’m not sure how to appropriately handle them, and I don’t have anyone that will actually help me because everyone just tries to get me to vent without any results. I haven’t been this mad in…I don’t even know how long. I was happy when I wasn’t so mad, I could pretty much blow it off and say things would get better, but I’m not sure what happened but I can’t deal with this shit right now. It might just be because I never really talk about anything pressing with people because I don’t want to feel like a burden or something. Fucking shit fuck.